Behaviour

Let them know where you stand on things - alcohol, sex, driving, drugs - be clear about your values.

Recognise though that they're establishing some of their own values and these may differ slightly from yours. So get clear about things.  So if they tell you they’re off to a party, ask about alcohol - if they’re honest, let them know you appreciate this and then discuss and negotiate what’s going to be okay. There’s no avoiding some of this tough stuff, but if you want to be involved and support your kid, go help out at the party - the parents hosting will love you for it!

The deal is all about "keeping them safe" - let this always be a conversation starter, rather than all the other stuff we start with as parents. For example, instead of saying: "Absolutely not!" try saying: "I’m interested in you keeping safe, so tell me what you’ve got in place to do that?"

Let go of some things too, eg, piercings, hair changes … the impermanent stuff. If they’re discovering themselves & experimenting with what they want to look like, let them. Just keep focussing on what’s really important, ie, your relationship with them.

We know that some of these things will be school rules, and that's okay. Schools will issue detentions or consequences, and it's going to be your job to let your kid know that there is nothing you can do about this. 

They love you! They actually, really do! 

First up, we’ve got to understand that tech is communication, catch-ups, keeping in the loop, organising stuff, working through homework or class assignments,… it’s way more than just selfies and gaming. It’s worth remembering this, especially if we’re removing tech as a consequence for other behaviour. 

The thing about teens though, is being able to self-manage this - much like we do as adults. Like, if that text or email comes in: do you stop, look and respond? Because that's how they're feeling about their messages too.  

Help them out with modelling and find ways to put them away for a bit. You might create some new habits like:

• no screens before bed is a goodie,
• nor during dinner
• that charging happens out of the bedroom
• but support them to fill in this time - reading, boardgames, help with cooking time...

This is going to mean that you need to be a good role model!

One way to have this conversation is by saying that you're noticing that they're not managing the amount of time they're spending on their devices, and it's your job to support them with this, especially if their sleep and wellbeing is impacted. Talk to them about some sensible boundaries to support them with all the things they enjoy and could be doing during device-free time.

Good sleep is essential for good mental health and wellbeing, and this forms the basis of the conversation with them.

Head to our Wellbeing section for High School Kids for some ideas on how to best support their sleep, but generally you could talk about some rules such as:

• keeping tech out of the the bedrooms after a certain time at night
• keeping charging stations out of the bedrooms

Some of our Real Parents' team do this by having charging stations in the living room only and set a time when they say goodnight and collect up tech from bedrooms.

Sleep is a non-negotiable if we want our teens to be healthy and able to study, play, work and be part of your family team.

Sometimes our kids need to be reminded of all the things they enjoyed pre-tech, and while this may have changed some, it's still good to encourage activities that support them to learn, concentrate, laugh and connect. Our Real Parents team have had success supporting these activities with their teens:

• interest in food and cooking - especially if they're now vegetarian or vegan because of strong environmental or animal rights beliefs
• dog training
• playing a musical instrument
• joining political, environmental or important cause groups
• art and photography
• sport (outside of what they have played in their primary school years) including frisbee golf, handball, surfing, climbing, hiking, squash, weights, snow-boarding

Have a chat about some of the things they might like to try, and find opportunities to make this happen by:

• investing in lessons
• asking for help from friends and family that have an interest in similar things
• reminding your teen to ask for some of gear or lessons for birthday and Christmas gifts from wider whānau
• giving them lifts to the places they need to get to and supporting their schedules to manage this
• praising them for their efforts, courage and the cool things they choose to do.