Out of control anger
Being out-of-control can be scary for us, but also scary for our kids. To support our kids with big emotions (or any emotions) evidence points to emotion coaching as the best way to do this. Here's how.
Emotions
Think about it
Have a think about what may be causing the outbursts.
We’ve discovered, alongside parents, that when we trackback, before the meltdown, that we may have been able to help much earlier and stop the meltdown from occurring.
Or, there’s an "in-common" with raging out such as: homework, tiredness, overwhelm and hunger can all be common factors. See if there’s anything you can change up in order to help with the underlying stuff first.
Empathise
Anger is a great disguise too – it can look and sound like anger, but it’s actually jealousy, embarrassment, guilt or disappointment.
Try and name this in the moment and empathise – “I get that you’re feeling embarrassed right now, it’s a hard one eh?”
Tame it
Dr Daniel Siegel says: "We’ve got to name it to tame it". A great phrase.
Start talking about emotions as a matter of course in your family – "I feel happy today"; "I need to take some time to calm down"; "I think Harry Potter might feel disappointed by that" etc.
Often kids who have regular outbursts feel very alone in it, like they’re the only ones, or that something is wrong with them. Make emotions normal!
Make a plan
Organise a place for your child to go when they’re feeling like they’re going to be really angry and something for them to do – colouring, reading, have a squishy toy available.
Remember, your aim is for them to do something other than lose their sh** - if they have a place to go and something to do that helps calm them – that’s your aim being met!
Praise them for their new positive strategies.
Education
Finally, teach them proper tummy breathing exercises to help them calm down – it really works!
And practice all of the above regularly and when they’re calm so they know exactly what to do when they’re not.
Managing worries
It's tough seeing our little super-heroes upset. But you're the best person to help them manage these and teach them to be braver.
To support kids with any big emotions, emotion coaching is our go-to strategy - here's how.
Have a routine but allow for flex too
Kids need a routine to support them to feel safe. This should include consistent kai times, bed times and play times. Sometimes though we find with anxious kids their routine is super inflexible and so they become anxious if things change.
Allow for some flex sometimes, like the weekends but explain this to your kids so that they’re aware of it. Many kids will be excited over a wee change like a stay up later night to accommodate going to nana’s, but kids who have experienced no or very little flex might find this hard. Make the change anyway, and support them with this - point out that nothing bad happened as a result!
Take a wee look at you too
Our kids learn by watching and imitating us, so try to model positive coping skills by managing your own stress and worries in a healthy way. This means:
- Reducing hovering in new situations, over-talking this - keep your cool and present things like they’re fun. This might include starting school, new dance or swimming lessons, a change in the routine of the day, new clothing options…
- Letting them make some decisions like which top to wear, which fruit or vegetables to eat, some lunchbox options
Be mindful of how you’re talking about them. Sometimes we have parents describing their kids as anxious in front of them which doesn’t give kids a lot of options not to be! - And then look at your ‘coping’ mechanisms… if they look like rigid structure, needing ALL the details, lots of ‘checking in’ with your child or their teacher, maybe you’re modeling what they’re doing now. If you want them to change, start with you.
Make emotions normal
It’s going to be normal that your child has worries and it’s important to acknowledge these even though sometimes they seem ridiculous like monsters under the bed! Here’s our best tips to emotionally support kids:
Talk about and read books about emotions - all of them. This makes them okay, normal and gives your child the language to be able to do just that.
If they tell you about a worry, validate this by listening and letting them know you understand.
Try some problem solving WITH them! That means not fixing it yourself or taking over… ask “what do you think might help” or “what can we try that might help”
And if it is monsters under the bed, the answer is that “there are no such thing as monsters”. As soon as we go looking for them, we’re buying into monster realness!
Actively teach calming and coping strategies
There are loads of things we can do support our kids to be calm and model this. The most effective ways are:
- To have calm time where you and kids do things that are enjoyable, but relaxing - reading, yoga, going for walks, colouring. Talk about how this feels and teach kids they can always come back to this when they feel stressed.
- Teaching simple calming strategies like puku breathing (use bubbles to practice). And alongside this, some sensory aids (squishy toys or balls), a place they can go that’s safe and feels good (sometines this is their bedroom, or under their bed. If your kids find it hard to be away from you, teach them to pair puku breathing with something that connects them to you - a cotton ball in their pocket with your perfume or cologne, draw a heart on their hand that when they push, it connect to you and sends love…
- There’s some cool books and resources to support this too. We love:
- You can also sing or roleplay out the worrying things acting out the situation, try new ways of doing things, swap roles where you play them and they play the teacher or friend. Have fun with it!
Hitting & hurting
If our kids hit out that's just a form of communication like: "Don’t touch my stuff", or "Leave me alone!" or "I’m embarrassed."… But it's our job to support them to find other ways to communicate the same thing but without hurting others.
Be gentle
Make sure that: "We are gentle with each other and our pets" is part of your family values.
Talk to them
Talk with your child when they are calm. Discuss other strategies that might help during times when they feel frustrated, jealous or angry.
Some quiet time doing something they enjoy will help – try and have this readily available for them.
Practice makes perfect
Practice their chosen strategy (walking away or coming for help), and if they choose to do this – praise them for it.
Be patient, don't push them
We’re not big fans of the phrase "use your words". Usually, when we’re upset and annoyed, words are hard to come by - apart from the ones that tend to make matters far worse.
Words come easier when we’re calm.
Reinforce good behaviour
Look for the times when they’re being gentle and kind, then pay lots of attention to this.
We love doctor-play-sets to encourage gentleness – they play the doctor and you’re the patient. Then you’ve got so much to tell them that otherwise may not be so obvious, for example: "You’re really caring," or "Thanks for being gentle," or "You’re being so kind to me."