Learning

Because high schools don't demand so much of our time and nor do our teenagers, it can be easy to just let our interest slide. Or, suddenly pay a lot of attention near exam or assessment time! Try to be consistent with your interest in their learning sometimes this means watching the film too or reading the book too and just having some level of information about what they're learning.

It might be that you offer to read over essays and assignments, but don't get annoyed if they don't take up the offer. They're finding their way and may not always trust you're the best person to provide feedback, despite your experience and qualifications! 

Talk about school for you, what helped, what didn't - they may not look like they're interested, but they are. Try not to fixate on the results either, focus on the trying, the time they're spending on something important and praise all their efforts. Be there if they fail, not to lecture, but to support them with disappointments. They're actually managing a lot right now.

Because of the brain development occurring during teen years, it can be really hard for them to manage their time, and what they need for each occasion. One of our team's kids went to their stats exam without their calculator!

One of the best things you can do is make sure that their routine is pretty consistent - have kai at the same time each day, allow them time to go study, hang with mates and do the activities they really enjoy. We say this because focusing purely on their school work is not going to support all of their wellbeing.

Make sure there's snacks available for their study time, keep the pens, paper and stationery supplies up and check in to see what they might have run out of or lost!

Just stay on top of things yourself, like make a compensation during the stressful times for them, but your modelling is more likely to support them, than your nagging!

It's likely that school will have done a great job preparing kids for study and keeping on top of things. So it's important that you then support your kids to work in the ways that's conducive to their learning style. Which may be very different to your own! They may need music, they may need peace and quiet, they may need to be on their bed scorched up in clothes they've worn for days, or have a desk and workspace. 

Have a chat through what works for them, and support this. 

There won't be as much need for you to be at school as there was in your kid's primary school years, but there are still opportunities. Attend the parent-teacher events, career evenings and fundraisers. It's amazing what you learn about your kids from their teachers - they might be more cheeky at school than home, more studious than you thought, or play a role in the class that's supportive of their peers i.e. helps their buddy stay on task.

We're lucky when we get these little insights into who they are away from us. Most of the time (if we're not hearing from the school regularly) it's because they're doing right and good things, which is pretty cool.

Let your teen know that you're there for them, no matter what. Listen to their concerns and provide emotional support when they need it. You can't fix the big issues in their world right now, but if they have you to talk to, that's perhaps all they need.

Be sure also to celebrate their hard work and effort too, not just their grades.

Have a chat about how they're planning to study in the lead up to exams and submission time and let them know you want to help them. This might mean:

• You take over their chores over this time - remembering to pick them back up after exams are finished!
• Having a chat with younger siblings about noise levels or limiting distractions while your teen studies

So stress looks really different for people hey? You might notice your teen is a little more abrupt, less interested in you or family stuff, is acting self-centred or causing some conflict... If it's ignorable, then just let it go for. now. Or let them know you understand they're really stressed, but it's still important to be kind.

But don't take it personally, this will all be stress talking.

After exam are done and dusted, talk to them about what was helpful for them and repeat that next time, but also set some boundaries around your expectations in terms of how they treat people over this time. Come up with some new ideas to let frustrations out.

They might just need a little more love right now. Get some snacks in, cook some of their favourite meals, take them in a hot drink. They need to do their best, so help them with that.

Every year we post on social a tile on NCEA results day that no matter how what your kid's results are, you have plenty to be proud of them for. 

Celebrate the wins, let them know you're proud of them, NCEA results don't define us. 

Chat about the things they need time for most days, or what they’d like to be putting more energy into, and emphasise the downtime aspect! Downtime is actually really important for our kid's development, but it's easy for us, or them to overlook.

Suggest just a few activities for the first week (or three) when establishing a routine. You can always change it up over time. The basics are: school time (incluiding homework), downtime or rest time, play time, bedtimes, family time and any other activities they've got going on.

And model being organised yourself. They will mostly learn from you.

For all kids, we’d suggest agreeing on at least one (max three) household jobs they can help with each day/week. While we know this might be hard (especially for you to monitor) there's a strong correlation between kids and their future selves' higher levels of achievements as well as their positive wellbeing. Chores actually support our kids to feel part of the whānau 'team' and that they also play an important role as part of it.

Just a wee reminder! - As soon as we stop appreciating what our kids are doing, they will stop doing it. Praise them for everything they do and let them know how much you appreciate their help. As well as boosting your relationship!

As you’ve probably discovered, we all love incentives. Agree on some low or no cost rewards for them completing chores or sticking to routines, such as:

• money
• working towards a subscription e.g. neon tv
• driving lessons (with you) if they have their learner licence or work towards payment for their learner licence
• coffee vouchers
• a movie
• clothes, accessories for make-up
• time with you - hate to say it, but often a wee road trip afternoon or wander at the beach together is just what they'd like

Keep the rewards manageable and affordable!

They'll be some things your teen is already nailing without the need to be asked or reminded so praise them for this. Remember the golden rule - whatever we pay attention to, we get more of! So if we don't comment or leave it to chance, it's more likely to fall away.