It's so hard when our kids are having trouble at school - hard for them, and for us! It's important during these times that we support our kids in a way that feels empowering for them, rather than us 'taking over'. Because, to be honest if this is there first trouble at school, it's likely not to be their last, and they'll need some tools and strategies that continue to support them.
Empathise with your child – if they’re having a bad time at school, let them know that you understand – they’ll likely be feeling alone in it.
Define the problem with them – find out from their perspective exactly what’s going on. See if they have any solutions they can then implement.
Besides you your child's teacher will be immensely influential in their world. So it's important to have a relationship with them.
Talk to their teacher with them – try and come up with a plan where your child feels able to lead the way.
Ensure your child has people to talk to – aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, other friendship groups. Allow them to find their ‘team’ of supports.
Keep checking in with them (without interrogating them) and their teacher. Praise the steps they're taking to get things back on track and celebrate the wins.
Try not to pay too much attention to the negative stuff – when you hear positive stuff pay lots of attention to this and praise them for what they’re doing well.
Bear in mind we ALL tell the odd lie, and it's sometimes polite to e.g. When we're asked "do you like this shirt?" And we absolutely don't!
But we're adults and understand these things. With our kids if things feel like they’re getting worse or devious, our top tips are all here.
Detective it out – when are the lies or suspected lies most often occurring? Search for any common times, activities, friends in the mix…
Then reflect on why they may be lying. Lying is kept up as a strategy for kids because it either works (that is they’ve got away with it a lot before) or to avoid harsh consequences (from their experience – rather than yours!). Re-evaluate what happens when someone makes a mistake in your family.
Create some household values (5 maximum) as a family, and include: "In our family, we tell the truth" – bearing in mind, that this is for EVERYONE, not just the kids!
So the next time you say you’re available to do something, but they hear you lying to get out of it, that won’t be okay!
On that note, try talking about it (without shaming). Own up to your own lies and how it makes you feel when you do.
Get some books out of the library and put some strategies in place.
Oooooo, it can be the fingernails down the blackboard response for us here, hey? We hear it and react! But this behaviour is very normal as our kids test and try things out - experimenting on the best ways to communicate without realising (yet) that this isn't one of them!
Keep your cool team because here's our best go-to tips that will support you to cope and your kids to find other, more positive ways, to communicate. Promise!
Ignore it – choose it as the one thing you’re going to walk away from, and do it. Remember arguing back or acknowledging the behaviour only makes it worse!
Add it to your family values – "In our house, we speak nicely to each other".
This way, it opens it up for conversation and means that when it happens you can refer to the family values, rather than how it affects you personally. It removes the payoff a tad.
It may be that they need a bit more autonomy – kids will argue it out with us in the most unappealing ways when they don’t feel listened to.
Have a wee think about this and look for ways when they get to have a say (e.g what they wear at the weekend or whether they have cereal or toast for breakfast). Talk to them about this and get it sorted – when do they get to choose, and when they don't.
Find some positive time together each day. Even when it’s hard!
We find that when the parents we work with commit to spending a small amount of uninterrupted time with their kids each day, it makes a world of difference to their behaviour (and how we feel about them!)
They love you! They actually, really do!
