Friends and connection

Kids in this age group benefit from participating in group activities, such as sports teams or hobby clubs. These provide opportunities for them to widen their friendship network beyond school, support more interactions and social learning, develop new skills, and increase their sense of teamwork and community.

Good communication skills are essential for maintaining healthy friendships. Encourage your kids to listen actively, continue talking and express themselves. Other attributes like being able to compromise, empathise, and manage conflict well, will all be useful in supporting their friendships.

To support young teens in developing these skills, we can start by actively listening to them, showing empathy, and encouraging them to express themselves honestly and respectfully - that means putting our judgment and 'know it all-ness' to one side! Make it the rule that you can talk about ANYTHING in your family. Talk about non-verbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions - often as our kids develop they lose this capacity a bit, in line with their brain development. 

Kids at this age are still learning about different perspectives and experiences. Encourage them to put themselves in their friends' shoes when there's conflict (but when they're calm!) or the shoes of characters on tv or movies. Modelling and showing kindness will really support them building meaningful friendships built on trust.

Encourage your kids to ask questions and actively listen their points of view. At this age often our kids become increasingly interested in wider issues, so encourage them to become involved - involving themselves in the community or volunteering is both a great way for them to develop empathy, feel they're contributing and believe it or not, giving our time is actually really great for our wellbeing.

Boundaries are like the invisible lines that we set around ourselves to protect our physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. It's like our personal bubble that tells others how we want to be treated and what we're comfortable with. Boundaries can include things like saying "no" when we don't want to do something, setting limits on how much time we spend with someone, or expressing our feelings when something is bugging us. It's important for us to understand and respect our own boundaries and the boundaries of others. By doing so, we can build healthier relationships, feel more confident in ourselves, and maintain our own sense of identity.

Actively talk with your kid about the need to understand that it's okay to say no to things they're not comfortable with and to respect their friends' decisions and boundaries as well. Encourage them to communicate openly and honestly with their friends about what they're comfortable with and what they're not.

Our kids learn by example, so it's important to model good friendship behaviours. This includes being kind and respectful towards others, listening actively, and communicating clearly and honestly. Talk to your kids about your friendships and the dynamics of these - often we might have a friend we talk to about tough things, another that's great fun to be with and makes us laugh, another that is the kindest person EVER... 

Our friendships give us different perspectives and should always be positive. 

Have a think too about the kind of friend you are and what your kids see of you when you're with your buddies. They'll be learning more than you realise from these interactions!

Have a good think about how you relate to each of your kids and how this might be contributing to any conflict e.g needing to give over toys to the youngest or how we might describe our kids -  “Mary’s great at maths and Anne is more creative.” While both of these things are great, which may be perceived as the more likeable skills? It’s okay to say our kids are all different if they are, but perhaps leave it there. Let them determine their strengths.

Oh, and kids are BIG on fairness, so make sure things are fair in your household.

Talking about how we feel supports us to be open and honest, but also builds empathy e.g. “I'm actually feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, I'm just going to take 5 minutes for myself” and even in the happy moments we can let them know how we're feeling.

And be be sure to praise them when they're kind and empathetic too - to their buddies, the dog, or as part of your family. What we pay attention to - we get more of!

Encourage your kids to work together on projects or tasks. This can help them learn to cooperate and support each other. 

Oh, and lose the competitive games if it’s too hard in your family or always have the rule be adults against kids so that no individual wins or loses. This is just while they’re learning (for those of you who eye-rolled and mumbled “they have to learn to lose too”). The point is ‘learn’ - and we learn to lose well, when we also learn to win well and are supported with both.

Support your kids to resolve conflicts in a healthy and respectful manner. This can help them learn to work through disagreements and build stronger relationships, with each other and beyond.

This means building empathy and perspective taking (see above), supporting kids with their emotions (see above too), and problem solving together “This seems like a big problem, how might we work through this.” Then support them with their ideas to move forward and compromise.

• Foster your kids’ individual interests and support them to appreciate each other's unique qualities and strengths.
• Provide opportunities for quality time together as a whole family to build bonds and memories. And spend one-on-one time with each of them too. 
• Model kindness and respect and avoid speaking negatively about others in front of them.