The end of a relationship can be tough, especially when you have children. It's normal to experience a range of emotions when exiting from one phase of your life into another, including anger, sadness, frustration and grief. No matter if someone is at fault, or whatever you are feeling, it's important to manage the process as best you can - if not only for yourself, but for your kids as well.
If you've already left your relationship, you may be experiencing a sense of relief.
Regardless of where you're at, it's important that you look after yourself as you navigate this process. As you take time to take care of yourself, your children will recognise how important this is, feel the effects, and benefit from the positive impact.
We recommend a few things to help get through these times >
And if it feels too much, reach out to the Real Parents team - we may be able to help.
Check-in with yourself regularly - ensure you have diaried some time out for you. Whether it be a bath at the end of the day, curling up with a good book, doing some exercise or binge-watching Netflix...whatever it is that works for you, make it work.
Be sure to have safe and trusted people around you - whether they be friends or professionals that you can talk to about what is going on for you. It’s really important we keep these conversations away from our children and therefore ensure you are finding times to do this when little ears are not around.
Regular exercise and decent nutrition are essential during stressful times. But we get it can be hard when you start flying solo. Here are a few things you can do to ease the daily load to give you more time in your day. Consider:
Food deliveries and click-and-collect: this allows you to plan your meals, avoid impulse buying and ultimately save you time. You can save shopping lists against your account, making it quicker and easier to re-order your staples, and add in any extras.
Excercise at home: it might be tough to get away from the house if you are parenting solo, there are plenty of online exercise groups and apps that can get you moving. Check out our recommendations here.
Even though you are no longer in a relationship with the mother or father of your kids, it is really important you find a way to co-parent. Communicating with your former partner might be really hard.
<< Here are our tips
If there is tension between you, jot down the main points to discuss and refer back to these if you need to.
Be aware children are egocentric and often link things back to being their fault. If they hear you having an argument straight after they have been talking to their other parent, they may think this argument is about something they said. If you think the conversation might take a turn for the worse, arrange to chat at a later time, and when your children are not in the room.
Texting can be a great way to communicate but remember it's easy for things to be taken the wrong way.
It may be useful to have a comms notebook that travels with your kids - just be mindful of what you're putting in there because your kids will be checking!
Otherwise apps such as Our Family Wizard and Custody X Change are really good at keeping things pro!
Try to trust the other parent - this comes with a big disclaimer of, as long as you trust your child is safe.
Otherwise, let's try to remember we all parent differently. It's having a relationship with both parents that's really important for their wellbeing but this can be done via facetime or zoom, phone calls, even letters as well as visits or time in each of your care.
Remember we can only control what we do!! Unless we are concerned about our child’s safety at the other parent’s house it is really important we try and trust their parenting when they are with them. We all parent differently and this would be the case if we were still in a relationship with the other parent too.
It's important kids can connect with all of their whānau. And if they can't see their other parent, a grandparent, aunties, cousins can help with the connection.
This can be a really tricky time for children as they come to terms with their parents no longer being together. While this time is hard, most children will get through ok, especially with your support, and their other parent, if possible.
Here are some ideas to help the transition run smoothly:
Make sure you are finding time to have fun, play and do things they love doing. Spending time playing may also provide opportunities for your children to raise struggles or challenges they are facing with the separation. This is a good chance for us as parents to listen to our children and validate their emotions.
It is really important our children know that it is completely OK to be feeling however they’re feeling. We often want to jump in and try to fix things for our children because we love them and want the best for them but sometimes we just need to sit with them and acknowledge how they are feeling.
And sometimes even parents need help when supporting our children learn to put words around their emotions. We recommend getting hold of some Chitter Chatter Cards - created to help children talk about their emotions and how to manage them – while also helping build social skills and empathy. And if you can't get your hands on any, you can make your own!
How do we know we're in a healthy relationship - it's a question we often ask, if we're not. Our intimate relationships can have a really big impact on our parenting and on our children.
<< Perhaps consider
We may not realise there's even an issue. Trusting our instinct is super important - check it out with someone you trust and let them know you really want an honest opinion.
In a healthy relationship we should feel:
See below illustrations of both the "Equality Wheel" and the "Power and Control Wheel."
The Power and Control wheel can help us recognise if we're in unhealthy relationships. Nodding our heads a reasonable amount as we move around this wheel is a sign we need some help or things to change.
More information around understanding power and control in a relationship can be found here and you can also reach out to the Aviva and Women's Refuge - don't be put off by their names - they are really good at what they do. If your relationship feels a little bit controlled, or a lot, they'll be able to help you identify loads of option. It's important to remember that unhealthy relationships aren't defined only by physical violence.
As parents it is important we model to our children what healthy relationships look like so they are well equipped when they enter relationships themselves, and that includes showing them that it's OK to get help and expect to be treated respectfully.
