Behaviour

Adolescence comes fast, and it's only when our kids are pushing against what we thought were clear and firm boundaries, that we notice we need to be clearer about our expectations and why. And perhaps re-look at the rules in line with their new developmental stage. 

Have this be a conversation though - what's not working and why, where can there be compromises, ultimately, what's going to keep them safe?

As we say throughout our parenting tips, it's our job to set the boundaries and our kids job to test they exist, consistently. 

When they're pushing boundaries listen to their perspective: Try to understand why they may be acting out and what they're feeling. This will give you more insight into what's actually going on for them, rather than coming to quick conclusions like they're hanging with a bad crowd, or taking it personally. 

Pre-teens are still learning how to navigate the world, so offer guidance and support as they face challenges. Be there to help them problem-solve and find solutions to issues that may arise alongside them, rather than assuming the you know best and enforcing tough rules. 

It can be easy to get frustrated or upset when pre-teens push boundaries, but it's important to stay calm and composed. Reacting with anger or aggression can escalate the situation and damage your relationship with your kid.

The deal is all about "keeping them safe" - let this always be a conversation starter, rather than all the other stuff we start with as parents. For example, instead of saying: "Absolutely not!" try saying: "I’m interested in you keeping safe, so tell me what you’ve got in place to do that?"

Keep the relationship intact so that they come to you when they need help. 

Let go of some things too, eg, piercings, hair changes … the impermanent stuff. If they’re discovering themselves and experimenting with what they want to look like, let them. And yes, the school may have some rules about this, and if you're called in then you have no control over their consequences. That's okay too.

Just keep focussing on what’s really important, ie, your relationship with them.

Adolescence brings with it a whole bunch of tiredness, hunger, emotions, but which looks a lot like attitude. Check-in or take note of when the attitude occurs most and try & figure out what's causing it.

Most of "attitude" is ignorable. Actively step away and tell your teen you will talk to them later, when they are in a better space to talk.

Sometimes you will want to talk to them about how they're 'being' and add in how you're feeling about it - sad, hurt, unimportant. This can sometimes lead to more illuminating discussions and some "ah-huh" moments for you (and them) and sometimes they’ll just "get it" and adjust (for a while, at least).

Notice all the 'sometimes' in here. There's no magic wand, sorry!

It makes a huge difference if you can pause, take a few breathes, and have a quick think about what you might say, before you actually say it. This also models for them they way we can manage and cope when we're angry, frustrated or feeling hurt.

Keep your sense of humour around it all. Laughter is also an antidote to stress.