Out of control anger
Being out-of-control can be scary for us, but also scary for our kids. To support our kids with big emotions (or any emotions) evidence points to emotion coaching as the best way to do this. Here's how.
Being out-of-control can be scary for us, but also scary for our kids. To support our kids with big emotions (or any emotions) evidence points to emotion coaching as the best way to do this. Here's how.
Have a think about what may be causing the outbursts.
We’ve discovered, alongside parents, that when we trackback, before the meltdown, that we may have been able to help much earlier and stop the meltdown from occurring.
Or, there’s an "in-common" with raging out such as: homework, tiredness, overwhelm and hunger can all be common factors. See if there’s anything you can change up in order to help with the underlying stuff first.
Anger is a great disguise too – it can look and sound like anger, but it’s actually jealousy, embarrassment, guilt or disappointment.
Try and name this in the moment and empathise – “I get that you’re feeling embarrassed right now, it’s a hard one eh?”
Dr Daniel Siegel says: "We’ve got to name it to tame it". A great phrase.
Start talking about emotions as a matter of course in your family – "I feel happy today"; "I need to take some time to calm down"; "I think Harry Potter might feel disappointed by that" etc.
Often kids who have regular outbursts feel very alone in it, like they’re the only ones, or that something is wrong with them. Make emotions normal!
Organise a place for your child to go when they’re feeling like they’re going to be really angry and something for them to do – colouring, reading, have a squishy toy available.
Remember, your aim is for them to do something other than lose their sh** - if they have a place to go and something to do that helps calm them – that’s your aim being met!
Praise them for their new positive strategies.
Finally, teach them proper tummy breathing exercises to help them calm down – it really works!
And practice all of the above regularly and when they’re calm so they know exactly what to do when they’re not.
It's tough seeing our little super-heroes upset. But you're the best person to help them manage these and teach them to be braver.
To support kids with any big emotions, emotion coaching is our go-to strategy - here's how.
Kids need a routine to support them to feel safe. This should include consistent kai times, bed times and play times. Sometimes though we find with anxious kids their routine is super inflexible and so they become anxious if things change.
Allow for some flex sometimes, like the weekends but explain this to your kids so that they’re aware of it. Many kids will be excited over a wee change like a stay up later night to accommodate going to nana’s, but kids who have experienced no or very little flex might find this hard. Make the change anyway, and support them with this - point out that nothing bad happened as a result!
Our kids learn by watching and imitating us, so try to model positive coping skills by managing your own stress and worries in a healthy way. This means:
It’s going to be normal that your child has worries and it’s important to acknowledge these even though sometimes they seem ridiculous like monsters under the bed! Here’s our best tips to emotionally support kids:
Talk about and read books about emotions - all of them. This makes them okay, normal and gives your child the language to be able to do just that.
If they tell you about a worry, validate this by listening and letting them know you understand.
Try some problem solving WITH them! That means not fixing it yourself or taking over… ask “what do you think might help” or “what can we try that might help”
And if it is monsters under the bed, the answer is that “there are no such thing as monsters”. As soon as we go looking for them, we’re buying into monster realness!
There are loads of things we can do support our kids to be calm and model this. The most effective ways are:
If our kids hit out that's just a form of communication like: "Don’t touch my stuff", or "Leave me alone!" or "I’m embarrassed."… But it's our job to support them to find other ways to communicate the same thing but without hurting others.
Make sure that: "We are gentle with each other and our pets" is part of your family values.
Talk with your child when they are calm. Discuss other strategies that might help during times when they feel frustrated, jealous or angry.
Some quiet time doing something they enjoy will help – try and have this readily available for them.
Practice their chosen strategy (walking away or coming for help), and if they choose to do this – praise them for it.
We’re not big fans of the phrase "use your words". Usually, when we’re upset and annoyed, words are hard to come by - apart from the ones that tend to make matters far worse.
Words come easier when we’re calm.
Look for the times when they’re being gentle and kind, then pay lots of attention to this.
We love doctor-play-sets to encourage gentleness – they play the doctor and you’re the patient. Then you’ve got so much to tell them that otherwise may not be so obvious, for example: "You’re really caring," or "Thanks for being gentle," or "You’re being so kind to me."