Emotions

First up, we know from the research that kids and teens who have a positive relationship with their parent/s, as a result, have a protective buffer against adolescent mental illness and risk-taking behaviour. Interesting eh?

So if things have gone off the rails with your child, perhaps think about what you might do to support a better relationship with them. We'd suggest:

• Spending time with them doing some of the things they love doing
• Talking with them - we find after 8pm or on trips to and from activities and events are often a good time (while they're beside you)
• Just letting them know you're there if they need you. And yep, you can say that out loud.

During adolescence, the brain goes through a lot of changes that help young people grow and develop into adults. Here are some of the main things that happen:

• Firstly, the brain becomes more efficient in terms of how it processes information. This is because the connections between different parts of the brain become stronger and more streamlined. This helps teenagers to think more critically, solve problems more effectively, and make better decisions.
• Secondly, the brain goes through a process called "pruning", where it eliminates unused neural connections to make room for more important ones. This helps the brain to become more specialized and better at performing specific tasks.
• Thirdly, the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for planning, decision-making, and impulse control - undergoes significant development during adolescence. This is why teenagers can sometimes struggle with making good decisions and controlling their impulses - their prefrontal cortex hasn't fully developed yet.

Overall, these changes are all part of the normal process of adolescent brain development, and they help young people to become more independent, responsible, and capable adults. Pretty cool, right?

But it's good to know that the adolescent years are a big brain developmental time - not dissimilar to the newborn brain development time. But at this stage the big thing to factor in is that part of their development means that emotions are heightened. That starts to make things make sense, hey?

Dr Daniel Seigel (who we highly recommend) describes the brain development affecting our adolescent kids big emotions as e-MOTION - their brains are preparing them for independence (in motion), and being hyper-alert of others is part of this. But, they’re not that great at it yet, so it also means that teens sometimes misinterpret neutral situations as negative. You may have examples of this. You’ll find yourself saying things like: "I don’t think he meant it like that."

It’s clear that being "emotional" is part of adolescence. But how can we help when reasoning is tricky?

Well, as parents we have to act as the "balance" for them - reacting and behaving in ways that they can see and even-out their own reactions.

It’s like when we’re scared, we look to others to see if they are too - same thing. Amazingly too, how we react and support our teens when they’re experiencing big emotions (for example, exam stress), and how we support them through this time (or otherwise) will have an important impact on how they perform.

In some ways, it comes down to us "modelling appropriate emotional responses".  The golden rule seems to be – whatever it is, keep your cool! (Sutter, 2016).

Our teens analyse their own interactions with others. They are sensitive to each other’s emotions, expressions, and opinions, but can also place more emphasis on how they think others perceive them. So it's important to try and clock the self-conscious response you may be noticing from your teen. 

This heightened sensitivity tends to taper off around the time teens hit the age of 17 (ish). (Nobilo, 2017). Phew!

Remember that teens still need on-going support and guidance from you.

This is a time when we can make the mistake of assuming teens don’t need as much monitoring or can cope alone or with their "all-important" friends.

They’re not ready yet - so keep actively parenting, even if they look like they don’t need you. They actually do! The research says so. (Nobilo, 2017).

If we're lucky enough that our kids share their worries with us, then we can show empathy and understanding. Though it's important to avoid:

• dismissing their concerns  - this won't make them feel heard
• over-reassuring or catastrophising alongside them - this makes them sense there is actually something serious to worry about and exacerbates their fears.

Instead let them know that worries are really normal - look for the in the conversation e.g. they might be worried about a test or friendship issues, and talk through how the worry is actually supporting them to get into action e.g. prepare for the test or make things right with the friends that are important to them.

Talk through what you can do and support them with putting these into action - e.g. allow the study time, a catch up hot chocolate with their friend after school, etc. Then check in once they've made attempts to overcome their worries and praise them - big steps in their development, hey?

Worrying is a natural feeling of unease that arises when we think about potential difficulties or make negative predictions about the future. For instance, our kids  may worry about their spelling test, getting to school late, not making the sports team, or navigating social situations with friends.

Our brain's amygdala, which is designed to protect us from danger, triggers this worry response. While this mechanism was useful for our cave-person ancestors, modern life is relatively safer, and our brains haven't fully adapted to this change. As a result, we sometimes worry excessively about things that pose little or no real threat. Overthinking is the term used to describe this type of worrying, and the more we do it, the better our brains become at it. Although being a skilled worrier might indicate that our brain is functioning correctly, it's also working harder than necessary, so we can put some strategies in place to better support it.

t can really help to see Daniel Siegal's hand model of the brain and the amygdala (part of the brain responsible for the big emotions) at work. 

It's common to feel like there's something inherently wrong with us when we become overwhelmed by worry and believe that we can't control our thoughts and emotions. To combat this, we need some strategies, which can include:

• supporting our kids to become more emotionally literate - that is, naming and understanding the emotions they're experiencing.
• deep tummy breathing - this is the most effective way to support our brains and bodies to calm down and there's heaps of information available on this
• use the 5 things 'grounding strategy' - 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you feel touching you, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This supports us to centre ourselves, pause, take notice and bring us away from our amygdala.

It's crucial for our kids to know that worries or anxiety and courage coexist. Anxiety has a way of convincing us that being brave is impossible as long as it lingers, which is why this understanding is so vital. Nevertheless, the glittering and potent truth is that even in the presence of anxiety, remarkable feats can be accomplished. Our kids can feel anxious AND still demonstrate courage. They can feel anxious AND make progress towards what matters. They can feel anxious AND complete the task at hand.

Helping our kids grasp this reality will really support our kids being able to feel brave. When their focus is on the risks and fears, they may require our help in shifting their attention to the benefits and the significance of where they want to get to Asking them "But what would it be like if you could?" might help them in redirecting their thoughts and finding a way through.

Head to our Books We Love section to read more about supporting your kids with their worries - there are some great ones there. 

And if you think you and your kid need some further support, that's totally okay. Start with a visit to your GP.