Learning

The thing about pre-teens you might notice is that they suddenly aren't that great at organising themselves. It's all part of their brain development and totally normal. But this will mean they need your help, but without it looking like you're helping! Well not too much anyway!

Basically if you support them with a consistent routine that includes, bedtimes, rest time, school time, play time and family time, then this will help immensely. See also our 'Tips to Stay Organised' too. 

Use the time when you're taxi-ing them about to check in on other part of their world - friends and school come to mind! Otherwise over kai can be a good catch up point too. And if they ask you for help with some homework, this is a great opportunity to support learning alongside them. We warn you now not to play the expert or takeover, no matter how skilled you are in the subject! 

Remember you're modelling 'learning' not telling them answers! Be curious and discover things together. 

If you can, attend the school assemblies and remain involved in school life - especially anything they're part of. While they may not look like they appreciate you being there, they do. And in quiet moments you'll be able to praise them for any achievements, but also that you loved seeing them with their friends, that they looked happy, confident or calm, that their teacher praised them and all the other things that make you proud to be their parent.

Speaking of teachers, if you can establish a relationship with them, then this is a wonderful thing. They'll want to know who you are and if you have a relationship with you they're more likely to come to you if they have any concerns or want to pass on some anecdotal, groovy feedback. This also models for your kids that you see their teacher and schooling as important. 

Not all kids are built for school, hey? And that's totally okay. Perhaps though support their learning in other ways - encourage and support their:

• dancing, art, sport, creative or artistic talent, music or other interests and talents
• encourage their reading through library visits, books on hand, recipe reading, manual reading or anyway you can
• don't place judgment on the things they're interested in
• spending time with them - have hot chocolate dates, go for walks, kick the ball around, visit the gallery - just keeping getting to know them as they grow up

They'll be some things your pre-teen is already nailing without the need to be asked or reminded so praise them for this. Remember the golden rule - whatever we pay attention to, we get more of!

Chat about the things they need time for most days, or what they’d like to be putting more energy into, and emphasise the downtime aspect! Downtime is actually really important for our kid's development, but it's easy for us, or them to overlook.

Suggest just a few activities for the first week (or three) when establishing a routine. You can always change it up over time. The basics are: school time (incluiding homework), downtime or rest time, play time, bedtimes, family time and any other activities they've got going on.

For all kids, we’d suggest agreeing on at least one (max three) household jobs they can help with each day/week. While we know this might be hard (especially for you to monitor) there's a strong correlation between kids and their future selves' higher levels of achievements as well as their positive wellbeing. Chores actually support our kids to feel part of the whānau 'team' and that they also play an important role as part of it.

As soon as we stop appreciating what our kids are doing, they will stop doing it. Praise them for everything they do and let them know how much you appreciate their help. As well as boosting your relationship!

As you’ve probably discovered, we all love incentives. Agree on some low or no cost rewards for them completing chores or sticking to routines, such as:

• a ‘stay up later’ night or sleepover
• a hot chocolate or chai latte date with you or a friend
• a movie night in (or out)
• an activity to look forward to - mountain biking, nail treatment, going for a hike, reading magazines or sleeping on pillows in the lounge.
• getting something new for their room – a cushion, noticeboard, piece of 'art', lights...
• some pocket money – you might team this with their own bank account so they can see their earnings.