Safety

Not sure how much privacy to give your kid? A good way to start is by asking yourself what you really need to know. You need to know where they'll be, how they're getting there, and if there'll be adult supervision.

But some things can stay private, like what they talked about on the phone with their friend, or who they danced with at the disco.

There are practical things you can do to respect their privacy like knocking before entering their room, giving them space to chat with friends, and asking before looking through their school bag or room when searching for a lost item. But don't listen on conversations, snoop through their stuff or read their diary or emails!

It's a good idea to talk with your child about privacy and set some rules and boundaries, which can change as they get older. You can also discuss situations where you may need to cross the agreed boundaries, like when you're worried about something.

Keeping tabs on your pre-teens can be done in a way that builds trust and strengthens your relationship - you don't need to go full-on snooper mode! Just set up some everyday rules and stay connected with them

Family rules and routines

• If you can't be there when your kid gets home from school, just ask them to give you a call or text to let you know they're all good.
• Make family dinner a regular thing so you can all catch up on each other's lives.
• Set some ground rules about what they can and can't do in their free time. That way, you won't need to interrogate them needlessly. It might be a good idea to agree on what time they should be home on school evenings, and weekends.
• Establish some expectations about what you need to know. For example, where they're going and who they'll be with. If they're already used to giving you that info, they're more likely to keep sharing as they get older.
• And ensure there are some agreed rules around online behaviour and appropriate TV.

Here's some general rules to keep your relationship with your pre-teen positive so they 'want' to share with you:

• When you’re talking with your pre-teen, give them your full attention and show them that you’re interested in what they have to say.
• Pay attention to your child's behaviour and the things they do to help you spot any changes that may indicate an issue.
• Stay updated with their school work and deadlines by keeping in touch with their teachers and school.
• Foster relationships with your child's friends and their families. This helps you keep track of their social lives without always having to pry.
• Be interested in what they're into - go to their sport games, take them to training, support them to learn new things..
• It's important to respect your child's privacy, but there may be times when you need to ask questions in a firm manner to keep them safe, such as "Where were you?" or "Where are you going?" But make this part of your family rules so that it's not unexpected.

Basically your kids will over-step the boundaries as their way of checking to see if they're there.

Kōrero with them when this happens and you might think about using a consequence, e.g. lessened phone or screen time and you might need to monitor them for a bit to rebuild trust.

If it's super serious or reoccurring boundary crossing, again increase your monitoring and consider consequences such as: 

• grounding them from social activities for a week or two
• withdrawing phone or screen usage for a week or two
• generally though we like to advocate that you negotiate ways that your pre-teen can rebuild trust. This might mean they take responsibility for chores or them choosing their consequence.

We all muck up sometimes, let them know you're disappointed, but still love them to the moon and back. Mistakes are learning opportunities, so be clear about what you want your child to learn from this, and let them know too. 

And if you muck up, because sometimes we do even as adults, then apologise and commit to this not happening again, or adjust things so that mistakes are less likely to happen moving forward.

Have an open and honest kōrero with your kids about online safety - talk to them about the dangers of sharing personal information online, the importance of setting privacy settings, and the risks of talking to strangers online.

Make these some of your rules and keep checking in to see they're working out.

Head to some great websites and supports such as Netsafe and in Canterbury, Digital Waitaha.

Some families choose to only have screens in the main room of the house, rather than bedrooms, hidden away. This means we can monitor our kid's online activities without having to check the browser history or being overly suspicious. Just make sure you know what your child is doing online and who they're talking to. You can use parental control software or apps to help with this, but remember that these tools are not foolproof - our kids are basically more clever than us. 

It comes down to our relationship with them, talking about internet use, what you've seen, mistakes you've heard people make and remaining non-judgmental when they muck up or you see they've ventured somewhere they're not supposed to. Rather than "do not do that" perhaps come at it more curiously, "I noticed that you'd been on that site and wondered about what you noticed or learned...." Usually our kids values are pretty aligned with our own, but they're learning. 

The internet can be an amazing tool for leaning new things and connecting with friends (especially those who live far away), but gosh there's some misinformation and trite on there too! So it's important to let kids know about this BS and to keep their BS radar finely attuned!

The way we do this is by teaching your kids to be skeptical of online information. Help them understand that not everything they read online is true, and encourage them to verify information before accepting it as fact.

This is a bit of a 'learn as we go' process because the digital world changes rapidly. The apps we banned a year ago have now morphed into a new app that we haven't caught up with yet, but our kids have!

Kōrero with your kids about what might make them feel unsafe online as well as what worries you have, and set some appropriate rules and boundaries around these, and internet use.

Be sure to establish some clear guidelines for how much time your child can spend online, when they can use devices, what types of content they can access and when they need to seek help (and who from).

Encourage your kids to come to you with any concerns or questions they have about online safety, or another safe person. Let them know that when they need or want to do this they can without fear of any judgement or punishment.

Ask them to stay informed about the latest online threats and trends, and if you have capacity keep up-to-date with the latest news and research on online safety, This content can make great conversation starters about internet usage and worries too. 

Sometimes our kids just test the rules, forget, or are actually manipulated to share personal information online. If they come to you, praise them.

It's also important to take immediate action to minimise any potential harm. Screenshot anything worrying or where things have been shared, block the other involved person or remove the app (if appropriate) and reporting any inappropriate or harmful behavior to the website or social media platform, Netsafe and potentially the police. 

To prevent future incidents, talk about what's happened and re-establish some new rules or boundaries. 

To maintain an open and supportive relationship with your kids, so they feel comfortable coming to you with any concerns or questions they may have. By working together and staying vigilant, you can help protect their online safety and wellbeing.