Wellbeing

You know what we’re going to say here… get yourselves a great routine in place. If you’ve got a kid who is just making this hard, set up a routine chart for the day and get them excited about it (add a reward!). 

As a part of this bedtime should include:

• Limited (or no) screen time
• A relaxing shower or bath
• Some relaxing reading (in their bed) to get them where you need them and make it snuggly!
• And you might want to introduce music or an audio-book for them to drift off to
• Have a low-level night light in the room if needed
• Make sure their bedroom is calming and a place they want to be.

We advocate for a couple of methods to support kids going to sleep that completely lose the awful struggle that can occur when you have a child that won’t stay in their bed. There’s the check-in method or the camping out method and we've got links to come. But a quick google search will tell you all you need. 

Decide on the morning rewards with your kids, and have this organised and ready to go.  Reward for as long as it takes but up to 3 weeks.Rewards we love include:

• Stickers
• Art supplies 
• Tickets (collect 10) for a bigger reward they’re after (toy, movies)
• Family fun time - a day out, a picnic, bike ride…

Talk about respecting sleep in your whānau i.e. that we support each other to sleep by being quiet, staying in our beds and not waking each other up.

Generally a consistent approach will support kids to stay in their beds at night, including:

• Taking them back to their bed
• Staying poker faced, and using a calm voice
• Praising them for going back to bed and staying there while you snuggle them in.

Otherwise, see the information supplied above (Staying in their bed - to begin). The check-in or camping out method might be the right fit.

Nightmares

If your child is having bad dreams (often called nightmares) you can: 

• Comfort them without revisiting the dream or experience
• Let them know you’ll stay with them while they fall asleep (or leave a nigh-light or hallway light on if they seem okay). The important thing is that you keep them in their bed.
• If they talk about the bad dream or nightmare in the morning, reiterate that it’s not real - be reassuring and calm, rather than dismissive! 
• Don’t raise the bad dream near night-time or during the bedtime routine.
• If they ask about monsters and if they’re in their room say “there are no such things as monsters.”
• If your child is having lots of nightmares, think about what’s happening that might be a cause - screen time and school games might be contributing. 

Night terrors

Are normal and generally more scary for us than our kids because we see them in it and they generally don’t remember!

• Leave them asleep, don’t wake them during the terror and just provide comfort.
• Night terrors and nightmares are different - night terrors occur while a child is asleep, but nightmares are upsetting once your child has woken from it.

Night terrors happen more commonly when our kids are sick or aren’t getting enough sleep. If the latter is true for you, look at the points made above including back to basics. 

If they’re happening often and your child is complaining of a sore throat or eyes, and they’re snoring, head to your GP for a check-up.

Self-esteem is liking who you are, believing in yourself and knowing what you’re good at..

Self-esteem gives our kids the confidence to: 

• try new things and try again when they fail
• do things that they’re not normally good at
• take on challenges rather than avoid them.

When our kids have positive self-esteem they’re not afraid to learn and grow. That’s why it’s important in their development. 

But it's also important not to confuse low self esteem with introversion. Kids can be introverted AND have positive self esteem.

Educational psychologist Kristin Neff, says self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem.

Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others. Self-compassion is a powerful way to achieve emotional well-being and contentment in our lives. The nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life, even in hard times. When we are self-compassionate, we’re better able to notice what’s right as well as what’s wrong, so that we can orient ourselves toward that which gives us joy.

Take the emphasis only succeeding at things, and have it be about trying! And make it okay to not be perfect, the best or get it right straight-away)

Promote a growth mindset (Carol Dweck): Help your kids understand that failures are an opportunity to learn and grow, not a reflection of their worth. Encourage them to persevere and try again. The power of ‘yet’ - that is if your child says "I'm not good at this." Reply with: "You're still learning, so you're not great, yet. We all get better with practice."

Teach your kids to talk to themselves in a kind and supportive way. This can help them build confidence and a positive self-image. So that means praising the process “I love the way you’re concentrating hard on that” or “you’re trying really hard, that’s so great!?

Let your kids know that their feelings are important and valid. This helps them feel heard and understood. “I can see you’re frustrated, it’s okay to feel that way.”

It might seem odd to keep serving a particular food when they don’t ever eat it or even try it! But loads of research tells us the more exposure they have to the food the more likely they may give it a go. Try too to be super relaxed about this - it’s our job to offer what we want them to eat… it’s their job to actually eat it! The less attention we pay to them 'not eating' the better. 

Take the emphasis off the food and enjoy the time being together 'with food'. Create some fun family traditions for meal times - take turns talking about what you're grateful for today, something silly that happened in your day, add in a kai time karakia or song... you'll know what they'll enjoy!

It can be really helpful to all eat together - it's more likely to be fun for our kids, more likely they'll try more foods as they see you and siblings eating them. It doesn't need to be all your meals, but if you can as often as possible share kai together each day, that will help. 

Like any behaviour we want to see more of, giving this positive attention can encourage tamariki to do more of it. We always say 'what we pay attention to, we get more of.' So if they pick something up they haven't tried before or sniff it, or mush it or lick it - praise all that!

Because eating can be a tricky it's important our tamariki are set up in a comfortable position. It may be worth reviewing where they are sitting, whether their feet are touching the ground or whether you may need to pop a stool under their feet. I know this sounds weird, but it can make a real difference - imagine sitting up to eat and your feet dangle or your chair is really cold or hard... We'd be swapping that chair out or making adjustments!

Sexuality isn’t the same as gender. 

Sexuality defines who you’re attracted to e.g. lesbian or straight.
Gender is about who you are inside - your identity. E.g, if you feel like a girl or woman, boy or man or something else. Just because someone looks like a girl or woman to you, doesn't mean they see themselves as a girl or woman.
Generally our sexuality will emerge around puberty (American Psychological Association, 2018). Whereas our gender emerges around the age of three (Martin, Ruble, 2004). 

 This may mean your ‘assumed’ 4 year old ‘girl’ tells you they’re a boy, or your young teen tells you they’re lesbian. 

And the most important thing in this, is how you support them, because this will be critical for their wellbeing - now and for the rest of their lives. 

1. Assume this is NOT a phase or fad. Believe them.
2. Let them know you love them. Affirm your child and their sense of who they are. Even if you’re feeling wobbly in it.
3. You’re their most important person. They might be starting a new journey (and you will too), but it doesn't have to be negative.
4. Nice work being here - start by doing your homework. Beware that there’s plenty of misinformation out there. Our top go-to sources are listed as references throughout.
5. And we’d also recommend: 
   • Qtopia
   • Inside Out
   • Rainbow Youth
   • And more great support organisations

If your child identifies as trans (a different gender to what’s been assumed) you may worry things will be challenging for them, and experience some grief that they are no longer the gender you’d assumed. 

Please know this is a process that you will begin to feel good about when you see your child become happier knowing it’s okay to be who they are. Parents who have found this challenging say it’s been helpful to recognise that being trans is not a choice, but an essential part of their child’s identity (Strauss et al, 2017).

Careful what you read...

In your internet searches you’re going to find plenty of negative stuff on the internet, but just be cautious about what you buy into. It’s only since 2010 that predictors of the positive outcomes for trans have been researched (Riggle, Rostosky, McCants, Pascale-Hague, 2011). We know, right?!

It’s likely you’ll find loads of information about the high rates of mental health issues for trans kids, but this will not occur because they’re trans. The mental health issues trans kids experience is more likely because of the cumulative impact of discrimination, e.g. bullying, exclusion, negative reactions from whānau and/or isolation from support services (Strauss et al, 2017).

Things that help your kids the most:

• Self-acceptance and sometimes social transitioning, like adopting a hairstyle and clothing of the gender they identify with, name and their identified pronouns. (Strauss et al, 2017).
• Your support and acceptance (Strauss et al, 2017). This can reduce any potential mental health issues down to the same as cisgender people, so really important. But keep looking after your mental health and wellbeing as a matter of course. Here's our tips on that.
• Look to your groovy, accepting friends who are accepting, along with groups or teams that are fun to be with. As well as rainbow supports too. The more you’re around the rainbow community, the easier it will all be.
• If you feel it’s appropriate, have a chat with their preschool, kindy or school about how you can collectively support them. Or if your child is older, ask them how you can best support them with school (check out Inside Out). We love this approach from Beckenham School in Christchurch.

It’s little wonder that “be proud” acts as a statement for the rainbow community, and as a parent you can certainly take this on too. Here's what we know and the research tells us about your rainbow kid: 

• They are often brave and empathetic with big hearts.
• They have open minds.
• They have a deep self awareness.
• They’ll stand up for each other and pioneer positive change for others.