Managing worries
It's tough seeing our little ones upset. But you're the best person to help them manage these and teach them to be braver.
Emotions
Have a routine, but allow for flex too
Kids need a routine to support them to feel safe. This should include consistent kai times, bed times and play times. Sometimes though we find with anxious kids their routine is super inflexible and so they become anxious if things change.
Allow for some flex sometimes, like the weekends but explain this to your kids so that they’re aware of it. Many kids will be excited over a wee change like a stay up later night to accommodate going to nana’s, but kids who have experienced no or very little flex might find this hard. Make the change anyway, and support them with this - point out that nothing bad happened as a result!
Take a wee look at you too...
Our kids learn by watching and imitating us, so try to model positive coping skills by managing your own stress and worries in a healthy way. This means:
- Reducing hovering in new situations, over-talking this - keep your cool and present things like they’re fun. This might include starting school, new dance or swimming lessons, a change in the routine of the day, new clothing options…
- Letting them make some decisions like which top to wear, which fruit or vegetables to eat, some lunchbox options
Be mindful of how you’re talking about them. Sometimes we have parents describing their kids as anxious in front of them which doesn’t give kids a lot of options not to be! - And then look at your ‘coping’ mechanisms… if they look like rigid structure, needing ALL the details, lots of ‘checking in’ with your child or their teacher, maybe you’re modeling what they’re doing now. If you want them to change, start with you.
Make emotions normal
It’s going to be normal that your child has worries and it’s important to acknowledge these even though sometimes they seem ridiculous like monsters under the bed! Here’s our best tips to emotionally support kids:
Talk about and read books about emotions - all of them. This makes them okay, normal and gives your child the language to be able to do just that.
If they tell you about a worry, validate this by listening and letting them know you understand.
Try some problem solving WITH them! That means not fixing it yourself or taking over… ask “what do you think might help” or “what can we try that might help”
And if it is monsters under the bed, the answer is that “there are no such thing as monsters”. As soon as we go looking for them, we’re buying into monster realness!
Actively teach calming and coping strategies
There are loads of things we can do support our kids to be calm and model this. The most effective ways are:
- To have calm time where you and kids do things that are enjoyable, but relaxing - reading, yoga, going for walks, colouring. Talk about how this feels and teach kids they can always come back to this when they feel stressed.
- Teaching simple calming strategies like puku breathing (use bubbles to practice). And alongside this, some sensory aids (squishy toys or balls), a place they can go that’s safe and feels good (sometines this is their bedroom, or under their bed. If your kids find it hard to be away from you, teach them to pair puku breathing with something that connects them to you - a cotton ball in their pocket with your perfume or cologne, draw a heart on their hand that when they push, it connect to you and sends love…
- There’s some cool books to support this too. We love:
- And music!
- Brave by Michal
- Feeling Scared by Sesame Street
- And roleplay out the worrying things with puppets or characters (whatever you’ve got) - act out the situation, try new ways of doing things, swap roles where you play them and they play the teacher or friend. Have fun with it!
Big emotions – meltdowns
These are really normal, and meltdowns happen for so many reasons, but mostly because we can’t contain the big feelings bubbling up.
We will often talk about our kids "having tantrums", but not so much their "disappointment" that they couldn’t have what they wanted, or "frustration" that the task is challenging, or ‘sadness’ that their friend has to go home.
Distraction
If you see the big emotion coming, you can try simple distraction – pick them up, sing a song, find something to do really fast!
Name it
If the meltdown is still bubbling, name it for them - “It is disappointing that you can’t have chocolate at 7am, I get it.”
Name their way out
Name their way out of their big emotions too, so add to the above, “I can see you’re trying to keep calm.”
Wait it out
The tantrum may still come and that’s okay. Wait it out and praise them for calming down (when they do!)
Think about it
When you have a minute, think about the times of day or activities which seem to be associated with meltdowns. Can any changes be made to help mitigate them?
Remember it’s okay for children to have meltdowns – big emotions are tough. Think about what helps them to calm down again and support them in this.
Everyone has meltdowns - knowing what to do to manage them is the life-long skill and that’s what we need to foster.
Limpeting on
We kind of get this – for young kids, the world must be so huge from their perspective, there’s hardly a chair they don’t have to clamber onto front-ways. So new situations and people won’t always be exciting, and even the familiar will sometimes be daunting.
So if our kids limpet to our lets, or won't let us go, this is really normal.
Information
Keep your kids informed. Let them know what activity's coming next so there aren't too many surprises throughout the day.
Reassurance
Reassure them, but not too much.
Over-reassuring may mean (to them) that there is actually something they should be worried about.
Guidance
Go through with whatever it is they’re worried about. Even if you have to be the parent with the child who only stands at the door and watches the birthday party, that is totally okay.
Kids need to learn, it’s never as scary as they think, so they need to be there somehow to understand this.
Be there
Kids will cue off you – so if you’re okay, they will be too.
Opportunities
Keep creating opportunities to try new things and take some risks – playgrounds, tree-climbing, scootering and splashing in the waves are all ways we can talk about being worried, and brave and sometimes discovering it can be fun too.
Out of control anger
Being out-of-control can be scary for us, but also scary for our kids. This happens, but it’s best for us to know what to do when things are heading on this trajectory:
Think about it
Have a think about what may be causing the outbursts. We’ve discovered, alongside parents, that when we trackback, before the meltdown, that we may have been able to help much earlier and stop the meltdown from occurring.
Or, there’s an "in-common" with raging out such as: homework, tiredness, overwhelm and hunger can all be common factors. See if there’s anything you can change up in order to help with the underlying stuff first.
Empathise
Anger is a great disguise too – it can look and sound like anger, but it’s actually jealousy, embarrassment, guilt or disappointment.
Try and name this in the moment and empathise, for example, "I get that you’re feeling embarrassed right now, it’s a hard one eh?".
Tame it
Dr Daniel Siegel says: "We’ve got to name it to tame it". A great phrase.
Start talking about emotions as a matter of course in your family, for example, "I feel happy today", or "I need to take some time to calm down", or "I think Harry Potter might feel disappointed by that"...
Often kids who have regular outbursts feel very alone in it, like they’re the only ones, or that something is wrong with them. Make emotions normal!
Make a plan
Organise a place for your child to go when they’re feeling like they’re going to be really angry and something for them to do – colouring, reading, have a squishy toy available.
Remember, your aim is for them to do something other than lose their sh** - if they have a place to go and something to do that helps calm them – that’s your aim being met! Praise them for their new positive strategies.
Education
Finally, teach them proper tummy breathing exercises to help them calm down – it really works! And practice all of the above regularly and when they’re calm so they know exactly what to do when they’re not.