Out of control anger
Being out-of-control can be scary for us, but also scary for our kids. This happens, but it’s best for us to know what to do when things are heading on this trajectory:
The social stuff
1. Think about it
Have a think about what may be causing the outbursts. We’ve discovered, alongside parents, that when we trackback, before the meltdown, that we may have been able to help much earlier and stop the meltdown from occurring.
Or, there’s an "in-common" with raging out such as: homework, tiredness, overwhelm and hunger can all be common factors. See if there’s anything you can change up in order to help with the underlying stuff first.
2. Empathise
Anger is a great disguise too – it can look and sound like anger, but it’s actually jealousy, embarrassment, guilt or disappointment.
Try and name this in the moment and empathise, for example, "I get that you’re feeling embarrassed right now, it’s a hard one eh?".
3. Tame it
Dr Daniel Siegel says: "We’ve got to name it to tame it". A great phrase.
Start talking about emotions as a matter of course in your family, for example, "I feel happy today", or "I need to take some time to calm down", or "I think Harry Potter might feel disappointed by that"...
Often kids who have regular outbursts feel very alone in it, like they’re the only ones, or that something is wrong with them. Make emotions normal!
4. Make a plan
Organise a place for your child to go when they’re feeling like they’re going to be really angry and something for them to do – colouring, reading, have a squishy toy available.
Remember, your aim is for them to do something other than lose their sh** - if they have a place to go and something to do that helps calm them – that’s your aim being met! Praise them for their new positive strategies.
5. Education
Finally, teach them proper tummy breathing exercises to help them calm down – it really works! And practice all of the above regularly and when they’re calm so they know exactly what to do when they’re not.
Friendships and other stuff
Friendships are still tricky during the school years, but super important for our children’s well-being. If you’re child is having difficulty with friendships we reckon try:
1. Play dates
Arranging some play dates so you can stick close and do some coaching when needed - coaching just means commenting on what they’re doing well together - sharing, turn-taking, waiting, being kind.
2. Meet the parents
Meet the parents of the children that your kid loves being around. Arrange a catch up to share some kai and have them hang out, as part of their families, to keep things feeling cool beans.
3. Chat to teachers
If needed, have a chat to your child’s teacher - they know how important friendships are and will help foster them too, for example, pairing up activities and checking in.
4. Role-playing
When your child comes to you about the tricky bits of their friendships, try role-playing it out. They can play the friend, you play them and "model" some appropriate ideas and responses, then swap roles so they can try out new approaches. For younger kids - use puppets.
5. Educate
We’re big fans of teaching kids to problem solve - it’s a life long skill. It can be a bit of a step-by-step approach, so when your child comes to you with a ‘problem’ it goes like this:
- Empathise with your child about how they’re feeling, for example, "That sounds tricky, I can see you’re really upset by that."
- Define what the problem actually is, for example, "Tell me what the problem is?". Get them to say it (note this approach rather than "what’s the matter?").
- Come up with some ideas that might help resolve the problem together. Think of ideas that they might try - it doesn’t matter how weird they sound!
- Get them to choose one of these and "try" it out.
- Check-in, praise (no matter what the outcome) and if need be, choose another solution to try.
Siblings
Fights amongst siblings are super normal – they spend a lot of time together. In terms of how things eventuated for the oldest child (in their mind, at least) is that they got the raw deal. Once upon a time, they were the perfect one & had all the attention. Then suddenly, someone else more perfect than them arrived on the scene. Here are a few things we do to help our kids get along:
1. Sharing Stuff
Have toys they don’t have to share, as well as ‘shared toys’ that they do.
2. Spend time
Try to spend time with your kids individually – 10 minutes a day each, and time with them together, where you get to help them learn to ask for things nicely, take turns and be a good role model in it.
3. Empathise
When you haven’t seen the ‘crime’ and one of your kids comes crying, simply empathise with how they’re feeling – don’t seek to fix it. Normally it’s all just about getting their feelings heard.
4. Praise
Remember to praise them for the times when they are playing nicely and being kind to each other.
5. Reward
If things are really tricky and you’ve invested in all of the above, try a reward chart that includes all the kids working towards the same goal, and they achieve rewards for "being kind to each other".